Mrs Claus, fed up one day
Complained, “I’ve had enough!
You’re jolly in the grotto, but
With me you’re always gruff
I’m leaving you for fairer climes
The North Pole’s way too cold
I need some warmth and tenderness
Before I get too old
These awful nights that last for months —
I never get to shop
To Bev’ly Hills is where I’ll go
I’m giving you the chop!”
She harnessed Rudolph to the sleigh
(It was a foggy night)
And, mystified, he watched her as
She disappeared from sight
So Santa summoned all his elves
And said, “Now listen boys…
Until the nag comes back to us
We’ll not make any toys!”
Next day the trusty Rudolph
Brought the sleigh back safe and sound
He found them drinking beer
And eating pretzels by the pound
“No more grottos! No more kids!
And no more being ‘nice’
When Christmas doesn’t come this year
That bag will soon think twice!”
Well … Christmas came and Christmas went
And no one got a gift
Mrs Claus (to say the least)
Was just a trifle miffed
She hailed a passing reindeer
And she went to see the Chief
Of Police and then she headed north
To give her husband grief
But when she saw his ample frame
A-snoring on the bed
The tears welled up behind her eyes
The mem’ries filled her head
The jingling bells, the Ho-ho-hos
The piles and piles of toys
The gleam of joy within the eyes
Of all the girls and boys
Then looking round she noticed
All the beer cans on the floor
She was just about to turn around
And stomp right out the door
When Santa woke and yelled a yell
A wild, excited scream
“Thank Goodness you’re still here
I had the most appalling dream
That you had left and all we did
Was sit round drinking beers
While seals laughed and frolicked
In our giant pools of tears.”
“It was no dream you lazy oaf
I’ve been gone half a year
And while away it’s evident
No work’s been done round here!
It does explain why there are seals
Swimming in the hall
You sentimental lump, I think
I’ll come back after all
There is one thing you have to do
Or else—for good—I’ll leave
You have one week to make the toys
I bought you a reprieve
On New Year’s Eve you’ll do your rounds
Like nothing is amiss
And when you’re done I’ll greet you
With my softest, loving kiss
Now off you go, you’ve tons to do
And not a lot of time
To make the children wait a week
Already is a crime.”
“My dear, I’m off to work
At once, but just before I go …
However did you pull this off?
I’d really love to know.”
“Aha! It wasn’t difficult
In fact it was a cinch
I told them it was not your fault
And blamed it on the Grinch!”

From “A Flash In The Pun”