Poems Archive

The sexiest plumber you ever laid eyes on
Is living in Poole in East Dorset
Her bushy blonde hair and long legs with great thighs on
Have earned her the name Farrah Faucet

What would you do
If I said, “Mice go moo!”
Would you madly miaow like a mule
Or guffaw like a goat
From the back of your throat
And emphatically call me a fool?

Humpty Dumpty, showing agility
Jumped up on a wall to parade his virility
He wanted to show off his delectability
To heck with decorum and respectability

The diff’rence between hot and cold
Milk? Really! That’s an easy ’un
The hot comes from a jersey cow
The cold comes from a Friesian

“What happened to the unicorn?”
My daughter asked with face forlorn
And then began to sob and mourn
(She’s been like this since she was born)

It’s not unusual to see a lizard when it’s sunny
But to see one in a snowstorm, well that really would be funny
I think it’s very clever of the chilly-blooded lizard
To stay curled up in his cosy bed whenever there’s a blizzard

When you see a giraffe who is starting to laugh
You can’t help but join in, it’s contagious
Cos his skinny legs shake till you think that they’ll break
And his wobbling head looks outrageous

The peoplets in the dell are sick
“No hope” is the prognosis
The fairies, goblins, gnomes and elves
Have caught pixiematosis

Bill, a gorilla as strong as Godzilla
Pumped iron ’til struck by catastrophe
The babes who would sigh at his shape said, “Good-bye”
When his muscles all started to atrophy

Cleaver the beaver’s an underachiever
While others work hard, he was born parasitic
His cutting indictment of logging’s excitement
He says, is a part of his job as a critic