Poems Archive

I fed my pig on pineapples
A fruit she really loved to savour
And when we ate her, Sunday last
She had a porcupiney flavour

Will wolf was very, very hot
And filled with bile and loathing
He hated when it was his turn
To wear that darned sheep’s clothing

The juicccy part above the knee
But firssst I’d like to sssee you beg
For me to ssset your sssad ssself free.”

Unnerved, I struggled hard to plead
Yet soon was warming to my task,
“I’ll give you anything you need,
You know you only have to ask.

“O virtuous viper, I entreat
You not to take my life away
Ophidian fair, your price I’ll meet
Just tell me what I have to pay.”

He cocked his head as though the thought
Of ransom pleased his scaly mind
A noble pastime – to extort
Possessions prized by humankind

I took issue with my pillow
When I couldn’t sleep last night
And I told it, “Please keep stillo
’Cause you’re making me uptight.”
But my headrest wouldn’t listen,
Kept on wriggling ’neath my ear
All the while prejudicin’
Beauty sleep which I hold dear.

“Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra
Too-ra-loo-ra-li
WAKE UP YOU STUPID BABY!”
Now that’s an Irish lullaby

Her darling ex-husband was killed in foul weather
A victim of motor cars badly behaved
If only he’d snuffed it while they were together
Just think of the lawyers’ fees she could have saved!

Her boyfriend, leaving, claimed
Her cold demeanour was to blame
Irate, she set his hair on fire
Now he’s just her old flame

Her lovers kiss her mouth, her neck
Their lips, impassioned, downward hie
But when they kiss her navel base
they all turn up their toes and die

Pat Eller, deep in gambling debt
Was tortured in the cellar
They broke his knee, he wasn’t fazed
He had a spare, Pat Eller

Finding a tiger called Spot is surprising
An epithet needing some rationalising
He’s one of a little known breed from Kilkenny
So rare David Attenborough couldn’t find any