Dear Abby
I was sitting in my flat this afternoon – OK lying on the bed having a catnap – when I saw something move outside on the balcony. And as I live on the third floor, I thought to myself, “Self, that’s very odd! It must be a cat-burglar, come to steal my cat.”
Now this is actually even odder than you might think – because I don’t have a cat. Which gave me paws for thought over my mewsli this morning. And the thought occurred to me that if you had one cat and somebody furtively and unspawtingly stole it, you would then have zero cats. Now if you don’t have a cat and somebody comes along, catches it and steals it, you would then be left with minus one cats. This could be a catalyst that leads to severe problems. Which, if not solved, could become catastrophes. Of cataclysmic and purrhaps even escatological propawtions.
You see, if a person has one cat, they will frequently go to the shop and buy cat-food which they will then put into the cupboard until such time as the cat miaows incessantly and you have to feed it. Cat-food thus consistently disappears out of the cupboard. Ditto cat litter and anti-flea muti etc. etc. Now if you have zero cats, this does not happen. Therefore, if you have minus one cats, the opposite could be infurred.
Am I now going to have cat-food etc. constantly appearing in my cupboard because some cat-burglar stole a cat I don’t have? Please help. Like Queen Vicpawria, I am not amewsed. In fact, I am only a whisker away from going insane.
Sincerely
Tom