One day while walking all alone
I came across an angry snake
Who barred the path I chose to roam
And made my heart in anguish quake
To my surprise, the serpent spoke,
“Who isss thisss ssstumping passst my nessst?
A troublesssome intrusssive bloke,
An uninvited perssson guessst.
“I think that I should bite your leg
The juicccy part above the knee
But firssst I’d like to sssee you beg
For me to ssset your sssad ssself free.”
Unnerved, I struggled hard to plead
Yet soon was warming to my task,
“I’ll give you anything you need,
You know you only have to ask.
“O virtuous viper, I entreat
You not to take my life away
Ophidian fair, your price I’ll meet
Just tell me what I have to pay.”
He cocked his head as though the thought
Of ransom pleased his scaly mind
A noble pastime – to extort
Possessions prized by humankind
“There isss one thing I sssorely crave
A magpie’sss tassste for light isss mine
My right to bite I jussst might waive
If you have goodsss that brightly shine.”
His answer offered hope at first
I thought I had a chance to live
But then began to fear the worst
I didn’t have a thing to give
I searched my pockets, neck and wrist
No wallet, chain or watch had I
Survival thoughts at last dismissed
I mumbled, “Sorry, can’t comply.”
“You can’t? How disssapointing, ssso …
Let’sss sssee how thisss poor human diesss,”
I heard him yelling, “Tally Ho!”
And my whole life flashed ’fore my eyes
“No wait! Here in my sock! – A pen!
In gold with writing half way up
It reads, ‘Do you remember when
Man. City won the F.A. Cup?’ ”
On hearing this he stopped, beguiled
I breathed a huge life-hugging sigh
He coiled himself and coyly smiled
A sparkle in his lidless eye
“I’ve alwaysss wanted one of thossse,”
He said, his face a fangy grin,
“Come, put it down nexxxt to thisss rossse
And you’ll have sssaved your sssorry ssskin.”
I dropped the pen beside the flower
To leave that place my one desire
Relieved to live another hour
Yet somehow driven to enquire
“Excuse me, Serpent Sir,” said I
Before I left, perhaps in spite,
“But would you care to clarify
To me, with which hand do you write?”
“A ssstupid quessstion, dunccce,” he scorned
“That makesss me feel perplexxxderousss
It doesssn’t matter, Missster Maund,
Becaussse I’m assspidexxxterousss!”
From “Out of the Frying Pun”