Last time I ended with the question which all depressed people hate: “Do I want relief, or would I rather wallow?”
That looks like a really stupid thing to ask. But depressed people make stupid choices. Instant short term symptomatic relief is what we choose. The problem with that is the things that make it better NOW are frequently the things that make it worse in the long run. Alcohol, drugs, overeating, sex, porn, binge watching TV series or movies, outbursts of rage, revenge (…name your poison) — may provide some relief to the darkness, but they really only add to the heaviness of the weight that is keeping us down. When the adrenaline or endorphins wear off, the storms come back stronger.
I know. I wallowed and “self-medicated” for years. It wasn’t my fault, there was a chemical component. I found that out when a concussion sent me into a tailspin. What I failed to grasp was that it was my problem. Self pity (how I loved it!) was in my mind entirely justified in my circumstances.
And depression became a defence mechanism to avoid further emotional pain.
The emotional pain of depression was preferable.
I chose to wallow until I chose to write. And until I learned to make choices in the sunny intervals about what to do when the rains came.