Poems Archive

Sue Ting, the tailor, made her clothing
Lonely, jealous, filled with loathing
Her sister, May, is always dating
How she wished that she were May Ting

It just isn’t true that I wish you were dead
I wish you perpetual anguish instead
A lifetime of watching and waiting in dread
While the Bluebird of Damocles nests ’bove your head!

Fil the phlamingo conphessed at the meeting
“It’s phrying my farynx, this upside down eating
A phriend oph mine says, iph we phurnish our blessing
He’ll open a phabulous pelicatessen!”

Mr Carson, trainee parson
Spends his nights committing arson
He tells me he cannot endure it
But cannot find a way to curate

“Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra
Too-ra-loo-ra-li
WAKE UP YOU STUPID BABY!”
Now that’s an Irish lullaby

Numskull the gull is abysmally dull
I told him today that I keep-a-bull
In my shop in Beijing selling pottery – Ming –
He believed me – that bird is so peoplible!

The sexiest plumber you ever laid eyes on
Is living in Poole in East Dorset
Her bushy blonde hair and long legs with great thighs on
Have earned her the name Farrah Faucet

Torvill the tortoise caused keen consternation
She doesn’t believe in this hyped hibernation
She met this guy, Dean, and for months they’ve been dating
She’s not into sleeping, she’d rather be skating

Her darling ex-husband was killed in foul weather
A victim of motor cars badly behaved
If only he’d snuffed it while they were together
Just think of the lawyers’ fees she could have saved!

He made a joke about a seed
One fallen from an oak
We didn’t laugh because we thought
It was acorny joke