Poems Archive

The high and lofty eagle
Looks majestic and so regal
But I’m told it is illegal
If you feed one with a beagle

A pugilistic hermit crab
By name: Napoleontius
Was knocked clean out his shell one day
No, no, not dead — unconchous

(To the tune of the original)

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Visited his therapist
Three times a week he saw him

They’ll plane your planes and sand your beech
Your cherry tree they’ll make a peach
They’ll spruce your spruce till it looks fine
And make your stinkwood smell like pine

Lagga the quagga is stoned out on dagga
Extinction? Such rumours he thinks are a farce –
It wasn’t the hunting put paid to his grunting
But chewing the wrong kind of grass

The fortune-teller and his girl
Decided to elope
His three small brats they left behind
How will the horrors cope?

The cows went to a moooovie
But they found it quite bemoooosing
The Teenage Mooootant Ninja Turtles –
Not at all amoooosing

Fleming, the lemming, was roundly condemning
The practice preventing his species from thriving
He called for the banning of family planning
And annual bouts of community diving

Sometimes when deep in thought and musing
Life seems backward and confusing
It happens mostly, I detect
When on mirrors I reflect

Procrastin plays the waiting game
Accomplished: he prefers a thrill
The match-up always ends the same
Procrastin 8, Accomplished nil