Poems Archive

Stephanie the starving stripper
Will doff her T-shirt for a kipper
For mutton chops no skirt she’ll wear
A steak removes her brassiere ..

My wife demanded floating shelves
Now she says I’m a dork
I don’t know why she’s so upset —
I made them out of cork

“The Paper Foundation for Waste Reclamation”
Was bought by the Mafia in Kensington Mews
The owner, John Dale, said it wasn’t for sale
But they made him an offer he couldn’t reuse

The peoplets in the dell are sick
“No hope” is the prognosis
The fairies, goblins, gnomes and elves
Have caught pixiematosis

It’s not unusual to see a lizard when it’s sunny
But to see one in a snowstorm, well that really would be funny
I think it’s very clever of the chilly-blooded lizard
To stay curled up in his cosy bed whenever there’s a blizzard

The greatest golfer in the world
Was born in north Taiwan
A little birdie told me that
His name is Ho Lin Wann

The Irish have a special day
St. Patrick’s Day, so says my mother
Instead of hurling real stones
They just throw shamrocks at each other.

The beauty queen for kicks last month
Strode naked through the sauna
(The gentlemen’s near Eton school)
And sat down in the corner

The cannibals are cooking –
Missionary roast, of course,
They’ll burn him at the stake
And serve him with t’ martyr sauce

Denis the dentist was biting the bullet
The canine was rotten, he’d just have to pull it
The man in the chair wouldn’t like the prognosis
He prayed it would not be his last diagnosis