Poems Archive

I fed my pig on pineapples
A fruit she really loved to savour
And when we ate her, Sunday last
She had a porcupiney flavour

The juicccy part above the knee
But firssst I’d like to sssee you beg
For me to ssset your sssad ssself free.”

Unnerved, I struggled hard to plead
Yet soon was warming to my task,
“I’ll give you anything you need,
You know you only have to ask.

“O virtuous viper, I entreat
You not to take my life away
Ophidian fair, your price I’ll meet
Just tell me what I have to pay.”

He cocked his head as though the thought
Of ransom pleased his scaly mind
A noble pastime – to extort
Possessions prized by humankind

Her boyfriend, leaving, claimed
Her cold demeanour was to blame
Irate, she set his hair on fire
Now he’s just her old flame

Finding a tiger called Spot is surprising
An epithet needing some rationalising
He’s one of a little known breed from Kilkenny
So rare David Attenborough couldn’t find any

Away in the desert just south of San Reno
The lambs were all gambolling in the casino
They got into debt and they got in quite deepish
Bereft of their cash they were left feeling sheepish

“Our bouncing baby boy!” they cooed
I sniffed and murmured, “Hi there”
But when I dropped him on the floor
All baby did was lie there

“The boring town called Anywhere,” mused Miles, “is not for me
Although I grew up there, it’s really not the place to be”
Alone and lonely all his days, though moving here and there
“I guess,” he sighed, “I’ll always be:

I need to put a hole
Right in the centre of my griddle pan
I’ll get it from the wholesaler
Then there will be no middle, man.

A cute chick called Gillian
Quit the civilian
Lifestyle
And entered the army
Her stepfather William
Said, “Girl, you’re a silly ’un,
T’be honest, I think you’ve gone barmy!”

The dormouse shaved his tiny chin
And cheeks, then with panache
He wandered down the High Street
Showing off the first mouse-tache