Poems Archive

The kleptomaniac was feeling seriously peeved
Divested of his dignity and totally aggrieved
He’d been accused of pilfering which always made him tense
By a railing manufacturer, that’s why he took a fence

I bought a book on helium
It really made me frown
The darned thing kept me up all night –
I couldn’t put it down!

Silv’rilocks knocked on the door
Though why she did, I’m not quite sure,
At ninety, she’s as deaf as wood
(Nor would she listen if she could)

Eentsy Weentsy spider, stubborn as a mule
Climbed up the spout, ignoring ridicule
“We’ll see you soon,” they mocked and as they did
Down came the rain and back to earth she slid

The cannibals, tomorrow night,
Will hold a finger supper
With lots of fancy canapés
And flagonfuls of grappa

Kurt Kangaroo was badly bitten
By a pack of dingo hounds
Vets amputated both his legs
His disappointment knows no bounds

I fed my pig on pineapples
A fruit she really loved to savour
And when we ate her, Sunday last
She had a porcupiney flavour

Will wolf was very, very hot
And filled with bile and loathing
He hated when it was his turn
To wear that darned sheep’s clothing

The juicccy part above the knee
But firssst I’d like to sssee you beg
For me to ssset your sssad ssself free.”

Unnerved, I struggled hard to plead
Yet soon was warming to my task,
“I’ll give you anything you need,
You know you only have to ask.

“O virtuous viper, I entreat
You not to take my life away
Ophidian fair, your price I’ll meet
Just tell me what I have to pay.”

He cocked his head as though the thought
Of ransom pleased his scaly mind
A noble pastime – to extort
Possessions prized by humankind

Her darling ex-husband was killed in foul weather
A victim of motor cars badly behaved
If only he’d snuffed it while they were together
Just think of the lawyers’ fees she could have saved!