Poems Archive

Little Red Riding Hood saw an optician
In response to the woodcutter’s fervent petition
The resemblance is not what you’d label ‘uncanny’
But she can’t tell a great hairy wolf from her granny

Mel asked me, “Why’s your dog’s name Spot?
It should be Tar or Pitch instead!”
I answered, “I hear that a lot –
You see … he has a big black head.”

I read the paper in the loo
When I have nothing else to do
A pastime boring as can be
’Cos loo paper is blank, you see

thieves broke in and stole my stuff
That would be turbulently tough
And so I’ve summoned to my place
Insurance salesman Justin Case

The sheepdog, tired of work said, “I
Could live much better in the sty
I’d lie all day in mud and sleep
And never see another sheep!”

Wow! super hairdo, stunning smile
Those eyes can make men quaver
You’re what we call in Lancashire
A smashing little raver

When Madeleina’s boy grew veggies
On a patch ten by ten
Musicians came and trampled it;
Irate, she screamed, “What’s this, then?”

The butcher’s wife raged through their shop
A single-minded holocaust
She took all of his sausages
And left — now he’s de-wors-ed

I stole some eggs the other day
When on the farmland I encroached
I’m thinking scrambled, maybe fried
The wife is saying poached

The greatest golfer in the world
Was born in north Taiwan
A little birdie told me that
His name is Ho Lin Wann