Poems Archive

Torvill the tortoise caused keen consternation
She doesn’t believe in this hyped hibernation
She met this guy, Dean, and for months they’ve been dating
She’s not into sleeping, she’d rather be skating

Morty Fied groped Billie Uss
And Billie Uss slapped Morty Fide
So Morty Fide felt bilious
And Billie Uss felt mortified

I need to put a hole
Right in the centre of my griddle pan
I’ll get it from the wholesaler
Then there will be no middle, man.

Mitten the kitten is head-over smitten
She’s fallen in love with a plush Mickey Mouse
It’s soft as her belly and lives on the telly
The warmestest spot in the house

A cute chick called Gillian
Quit the civilian
Lifestyle
And entered the army
Her stepfather William
Said, “Girl, you’re a silly ’un,
T’be honest, I think you’ve gone barmy!”

The dormouse shaved his tiny chin
And cheeks, then with panache
He wandered down the High Street
Showing off the first mouse-tache

Can I pull the wool over your eyes?
Will you cotton on to my stunt?
’Twill be a surprise if you get it
’Cos denim is mined back to front

The packet said the tablets were for infertility
So the beauty pageant entrant thought, “That’s how I want to be”
The quins are due before the leaves begin their fall defection
And she’s brooding on the issue of her crowning “Miss Conception”

I stole some eggs the other day
When on the farmland I encroached
I’m thinking scrambled, maybe fried
The wife is saying poached

Horace Cope, the cloaked clairvoyant
Was in festive mood and buoyant
Not since 1962
Had something he foretold come true