Poems Archive

The sexiest plumber you ever laid eyes on
Is living in Poole in East Dorset
Her bushy blonde hair and long legs with great thighs on
Have earned her the name Farrah Faucet

Torvill the tortoise caused keen consternation
She doesn’t believe in this hyped hibernation
She met this guy, Dean, and for months they’ve been dating
She’s not into sleeping, she’d rather be skating

Her darling ex-husband was killed in foul weather
A victim of motor cars badly behaved
If only he’d snuffed it while they were together
Just think of the lawyers’ fees she could have saved!

He made a joke about a seed
One fallen from an oak
We didn’t laugh because we thought
It was acorny joke
 

His sailing boat is pretty hot
Its cabins sleep a foursome
His motorboat’s a home afloat
But his rowing boat is oarsome!

When the wooden legged Czech
Felt the woodenpecker’s peck
He beseeched and urged and wailed and wept and begged him;
But the ’pecker, though he heard,

Procrastin plays the waiting game
Accomplished: he prefers a thrill
The match-up always ends the same
Procrastin 8, Accomplished nil

Denis the dentist was biting the bullet
The canine was rotten, he’d just have to pull it
The man in the chair wouldn’t like the prognosis
He prayed it would not be his last diagnosis

The dentist with his chair and drill
Can make you shudder; feel quite ill
So next time you must visit there
Munch garlic first and perm his hair!

I’ll strike with sodium chloride
And with pancake mix bespatter
Of all the crimes I love, my fav’rite
Is a “salt and batter”