Poems Archive

I was sitting in my flat this afternoon – OK lying on the bed having a catnap – when I saw something move outside on the balcony. And as I live on the third floor, I thought to myself, “Self, that’s very odd! It must be a cat-burglar, come to steal my cat.”

He used to be their best detective
At spotting clues, their most effective
But now his reputation’s blighted
Inspector Culls is too short-sighted

Big Maroon Wheelchairinghood
Has eyesight that is far from good
It was, the reader may recall
Quite awful, too, when she was small

The giraffe is in hospital, sick as can be
His feet in ward four and his body, ward three
His neck’s in the annexe (which doesn’t excite us)
The vet says his ailment’s acute laryngitis

Tassie Tern caused consternation
With her lack of conversation
She wed a mute, to which her brother
Said, “One dumb tern deserves another”

The cricket batted through the day
From ten o’clock ’til half past four
But with his ton two runs away
The spider trapped him leg before

Martin, the swallow, flew low in a hollow
While eyeing a green millipede
He swallowed it swiftly, the bug went down miffedly
Declaring he soon would be freed

The packet said the tablets were for infertility
So the beauty pageant entrant thought, “That’s how I want to be”
The quins are due before the leaves begin their fall defection
And she’s brooding on the issue of her crowning “Miss Conception”

Will wolf was very, very hot
And filled with bile and loathing
He hated when it was his turn
To wear that darned sheep’s clothing

Graham Grape was being tortured
Pressed for answers by the swine
Though squeezed to death he told them nothing
He just let out a little whine