Poems Archive

What would you do
If I said, “Mice go moo!”
Would you madly miaow like a mule
Or guffaw like a goat
From the back of your throat
And emphatically call me a fool?

I’ll strike with sodium chloride
And with pancake mix bespatter
Of all the crimes I love, my fav’rite
Is a “salt and batter”

Ida the spider with cider inside ’er
Spins webs that make all other spiders deride ’er
Though Clyde tried to guide ’er and Di’d often chide ’er
She’s prideless with cider inside ’er insides

I thought I sought a puddy tat
Until I owned Sylvester
Who stalked my c’nary day and night
Desiring to ingest ’er

The beaver had his tail cut off
You might say he was fated
Instead of being normal length
He’s been abbeaverated

The butcher’s wife raged through their shop
A single-minded holocaust
She took all of his sausages
And left — now he’s de-wors-ed

The young man had his teeth knocked out
Before he was apprenticed
So they bandaged him to stem the blood
And took him to the dentist

Clara the Clairvoyant has
The most ginormous shiner
If you could see it you would say
You’ve never seen one finer

Vera bought some talking ointment
’Cos the silent tub was dearer
She thought it was a gimmick
So she screamed when it said, “ ’Allo Vera!”

I think I’ll beat my child tonight
I must find some excuse
It makes me feel so powerful
When meting out abuse